Someone suggested this subject too me a bit back and I really never felt like doing it but here it is.
As some of you have picked up – I had several strokes a few years back. It is rather hard to explain what one is aware of or not aware of when at 46 year old they hear the words stroke coming from doctors mouths. I suppose it is good thing that I was not exactly on top of my game in the awareness department when all this was going on or I might have stressed out over it.
There are lots of sites that a I can information on strokes – from causes to recovery – but most end tipped toward the care giver side of the deal. The reason? Most stroke victims either end up with little notable long tern effects or have problems dealing with the basic skills required to post on the net. Just my opinion but it is mine. The same can be carried into how the world around me perception of me.
Here is what you might notice. The woman who posts gets off track or misses the point. She is not a regular poster – going days sometimes weeks without contributing to this site (blog, forum, etc.) . When she walks down the street she moves strangely somehow but I just can not put my finger on it. In conversations she comments on something we said mins ago. Can’t she pay attention? LOL I have heard em all really.
Here is what I am not suppose to notice. The look of relief on my partners face when I don’t fall when negotiating the steps somewhere. The whispers about how I am a bit odd overheard at meetings. The tone of distain in someones voice when they try to act like they do not think I am a lazy good for nothing because I no longer work. Or how some people no longer want to do things with me because I am not always able to jump up at the slightest notice and show up to do something. These are just some of the things I am not suppose to pay attention too.
What you do not notice. That every stupid thing I type is typed out much slower than I ever used to be. That everything I type is typed in Word first so the spell checker and grammar checker hopefully catch what my mind no longer can. Then you do not see me wondering which of the spellings offered up as correct might just be the right one. I mean really if I knew that in the first place I would have spelled it right the first time. A few months after my strokes I did not get to go many places, I could not stay awake very long, and everything was very confussing. I did not care that it might take eight hours to make a niffty post about some political thing or another. Now I am able to get out, everything is not as confusing, and I value my time more. All this from a person that used to be able to whip out a 2 inch thick report on the history of an area from the geologic, geographic, and anthropologic points of view from the beginning of the geologic record through the native american history and trade patterns to the modern land usage. I did this in 2 weeks to get 3 extra credits of college course work for a special studies project – just cause – cuz- 29 units of work was not enough that quarter.
You also will not be inside my head when my brain can not come up with a word, or a way to express a thought. Or when my brain forgets that my left side needs to move along with my right side. You will not be able to tell when I have just driven 30 extra miles to get home because after over 20 years I have forgotten how to get there. Maybe you can tell me why movies that I used to love now scare the heck out of me or why my old favorites are so boring now? Probably not. You also can not know how confusing it is when more that one thing is going on around me at the same time. How I can not longer follow things that require sequences. I have to check stuff off a list sometimes. I forget to eat a lot. It just never really crosses my mind anymore. So, if no one else is around all day – well I might not eat all day. The food is there – I just forget.
Well that is enough ranting for today about this subject. I am sure I had more to say but I really can not remember right now oh well . …