Yesterday I visited the Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation doctor and had an evaluation appt with a physical therapist. I don’t know what I expected from these appointments and I was not exactly sure why I even had them made for me. Just lost somewhere in the doctor office visit fog I get.
At the first appointment I was knocked with a funny looking round hammer that looked kind of like a popsicle. Then the usual questions that doctors often ask. This is where my mind starts to wonder. I am not sure where it goes but somewhere along the way I usually start losing track of the point of the conversation. Why is he asking that? What does that mean? After a few trys at comprehension and concentration my mind usually zones out to parts unknown. Thank God my significant other is there to keep track of it all and able to later on patiently explain to me what was said and what it maybe all meant.
My over all focus honed in on a theme of my fading abilities concerning mobility. Buzz words clueing me in that the conversation was not going the way I invisioned where danger of falling, balance, muscle atrophy and . … well when going to a pool and doing excercises in the water came up my total aversion to pools and water – I am not a get in a bathing suit and jump in type gal – I flashed and hooked onto my thoughts of your telling me I should not walk without support cause I will fall and hurt myself yet you want me to get in a freaking water filled pool and not drown? Needless to say my mind went else where. My logic is that I am walking so leave me alone and I there is not way in hell I am getting into a dork bathing suit with stupid little foam deals on my arms in order to excersise in freaking water!
The next appointment with the physical therapist was much the same except he got that I was not gonna use a old ladies walker nor go swimming. I think he also got that I would do any and all land exercises that he gave me. What I finally got into my pea little brain was that maybe everyone else was right and I was wrong – oh gasp! so I gave in and took a cane. I suspect much of this decision was based on wanting to cooperate and not fall over. I still believe that the longer I can get around on my own the better off the world is. But, I am not stupid – slow processing info – yes, find it hard to write a coherent way – yes, tire easy – yes, lose of balance – yes, . …
I am not trying to be an a$$ but I have spent a lot of time soaking in all this crap about MS and you know what? The bottom line is there is no set path, not guarantees of what will work or not work. No way to tell when I wake up if I have a good balance day or a bad balance day, if my right eye or my left eye will see right, if I can type or not that day – woo hoo – it is Christmas everyday.
So, yes I am stubborn because sometimes it is all the control I have.
Now I seriously need to find a cool cane. Maybe flames? dogs? emmm …
Ah. A cane. That oh, so obvious, sign to everyone in the world that you have an infirmity of some sort. But it takes away the stigma of being thought of as a drunk, doesn’t it? Because the careening, and stumbling don’t send a clear message, do they? The facts are these: You are not a drunk; You do have an infirmity.
Once you start walking, a little taller, a little faster, without being concerned about falling, read this entry again, and let us know your comments. Okay? Be well.
Webster,
Thank you for commenting. In all seriousness I really do not care if a cane says I have a problem. I just am still stubbornly holding onto the belief that the longer I moto about on my own without assistance the longer I will be able to do so.
Up until the last few weeks it worked for me what can I say? I went from thinking all my problems were due to stroke to woo hoo you have MS like going from 0-60 in a Porsche. I really had not a clue.
I have never been one to quit so I am sure once the frustration, anger, and general WTF feelings abate I will more willing to accept.
kmilyun