I am doing what I now call my acceptance of denial dance. I have never had the required rhythm to dance great and it seems that life right now fits right into that analogy –I got no rhythm going here.
Now if someone told me I had A disease and if I did B I would get C then ok. But come on, after net searching, forum pursuing, blog reading, and asking questions of the docs, here is what I have come up with about MS:
Dunno what causes it
Dunno what cures it
Dunno what is going to happen
Dunno ________ fill in the blank.
Well how about I dunno if I really want to claim this multiple sclerosis diagnosis. I mean what the heck. I am not in the frame of mind or understanding to use the, and this is important to me, disease modifying drugs they have available – why chance feeling like doo doo or damaging my organs – when only potential to slow the inevitable down exists?
So, I should call the MS society here right? Maybe they have some better info or help or support you know? Well, what I got was an offer to bicycle in the next fund raiser. If I want to call ahead I can go to the newly diagnosed meeting – next January. The support group deal has not worked well for me. The first group spent most of their time arguing politics and since has been cancelled. The second group – I guess I was not up on the proper etiquette – silly me I answered a question truthfully. I must have gotten the wrong dance card.
Planning for the future is depressing. We own a two story townhouse, the neighborhood has now turned ghetto (impossible to sell in this market) anyways. No way to afford a new home. Working on the debts that two full time salaries used to pay and since I can’t work we are down to one plus a small amount from SSDI. So, in about six years LOL we will be out of debt if and only if we have no more major expenses. It scares the heck out of me that I won’t make it up the stairs someday since the only bathtub/shower is up there. And yes, you can scoot up to the landing and then up the next set of stairs on your ass – been there done that dance before (not due to MS).
My friends and partner are very supportive and my dogs still think I am head wolf so life is good. These people have known me for years – some most of my life. So at least they know that I don’t not do something because I am lazy etc.
My friends and I started a photography group. He has since left state so I was doing it but it is too much for me right now (we have 292 members) so my other friend is doing all the work. I miss being able to know that if I say I will be somewhere and do something that I will be able to be there. I hate that my eyes mess up my ability to see through my camera lens well.
So for right now I am trying to eat better, exercise when I can, read a lot, and see what happens when I wake up tomorrow.
If I just ignore this dance I suspect the result will be the same But then again who knows?
Members of my pack:
Annie and Mr.Catfish
